You try to conceive for weeks, months, if not longer. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. Then, suddenly, you’re pregnant! One day you aren’t, and the next day, you are.
You’re pregnant for two days, two weeks, two months, or full-term. Whatever way the pregnancy ends, one moment you are pregnant, and the next moment, you aren’t.
Then, you spend months, if not years, trying to become a parent. What happens the moment you actually do become one?
Recently, I have fallen into this last category. If you listen to my podcast, you might be aware that back in May, José and I made the challenging decision of stopping our journey to parenthood. While we cried, questioned, and worried if we were making the right decision, ultimately, we knew in our deepest hearts that we were doing the right thing. We agreed to focus on our marriage, travel, spend time with our family, and foster deeper friendships.
And then, as if out of a ‘90s rom-com, our adoption social worker called us, after three years of waiting: “We have a little girl for you! Her mother has picked you if you still want to move forward with adoption.” Talk about whiplash!
Within 48-hours, our new daughter was in our care full-time. Two weeks later, the judge hit her gavel, proclaiming the three of us were legally a family. After four years of trying, waiting, and getting nowhere. After multiple fertility treatments, countless visits to various specialists, monitoring my diet, paying even more money for a home study, and after nights of crying and feeling like complete failures, we have our child.
It’s been an amazing month. We love this child deeply, and both José and I have said our family feels complete (now my focus is shifting to parenting adopted children, and parenting solo children, but that’s for a later time). But the joy has certainly come with some whiplash. How do we do from planning on having no children, to now raising a young child? How do we navigate work schedules, and day camp pickups? Who’s taking the dog to the groomer, and who’s cooking dinner tonight?
I’m reminded of my last pregnancy, over a year ago. On a Friday, I began bleeding. By Saturday, we were convinced we had lost the pregnancy. On Sunday (because I was seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, they had weekend slots available) we went for an ultrasound where they confirmed a strong heartbeat. Complete whiplash! Within 30 seconds, we went from complete sadness to utter elation.
Then, at our next ultrasound on Tuesday, 48 hours later, it was confirmed there was no heartbeat.
These sudden changes in our pregnancy and parenthood status can be challenging to navigate, even when they are wanted changes. It is important to understand effective coping strategies to support the emotional and physical changes that accompany the whiplash.
Practice mindfulness: it might sound simplistic, but the first step in understanding how we feel about these sudden changes is to recognize that our feelings are actually occurring. Mindfulness is simply the act of paying attention. Mindfulness does not have to be meditation (although it can be). Practicing mindfulness might be scanning your body, noticing physical sensations, naming an emotion as it arises without judgment (which is hard considering how easy it is to judge!), or journaling. I journal nearly every morning, and I find it a helpful way to identify thoughts swirling in my head, notice emotions arising, and sense my overall self for the day.
Set realistic expectations for yourself: imagine yourself as having an emotional bank account. Everything we do is either a deposit, or a withdrawal. Sometimes, we have so many deposits that we can emotionally cope with a withdrawal. Other times, the withdrawals seem to keep coming, that simply brushing our teeth in the morning feels like a chore. After sudden changes in our life, even wanted changes, our lives can start to feel like they aren’t our own. We are not able to perform at the level we are used to, but we still expect ourselves to. Revise your expectations of what is truly possible in your day. Without judgment.
Practice self-compassion: I could talk at length about self-compassion. It’s essential to our wellbeing. Self-compassion is treating yourself the way you would treat a dear friend or family member. We often treat ourselves horribly. By implementing self-compassion, we allow ourselves to move through the struggle of sudden change. You can read more about self-compassion here!
Coping with the sudden changes that accompany family planning are challenging. And, if we have experienced pregnancy loss, those changes often seem to continue crashing over us. Give yourself some space to navigate those emotions.
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Congratulations! This was the loveliest piece of news I've had all week. And also, what a huge adjustment for you all. Go gently, one day at a time. xxx
I’m thrilled for you - and it’s so hard. Both, all at once 🤍