After our second miscarriage, my husband, José and I took a break from trying to conceive. It wasn’t an option for us – it was imperative. In the first four months of our marriage, we had two miscarriages. We needed to enjoy our lives as newlyweds. We took six months off between our second and third pregnancy, right as the COVID-19 pandemic descended upon us. As we sat in our small Brooklyn apartment in the Spring of 2020, we connected in a deep and meaningful way. Our marriage grew stronger as we made our sourdough starter, watched the entire series of Lost, and learned to polka dance, as our dog ran between our dancing feet. Despite the trauma surrounding us, our marriage grew.
After our third miscarriage, we waited 15 months before we started trying again. This time, we waited to make sure our bodies were fertility ready. We went to two different fertility specialists, a functional medicine doctor, and a reproductive endocrinologist. Everyone agreed, after intense physical workups, that we would likely have a live birth this time. We also had a plan if the fourth pregnancy ended in loss. This time around, we didn’t feel alone, trying to find answers in darkness.
Our intentions for pausing in-between pregnancies differed. And yet, both were important. How do you know when you feel ready to try again? The easy answer is “you’ll know when you’re ready.” And I do think there is some truth to that. Each time we tried again, I felt grounded and certain of my decision. My thoughts were “I feel ready to try again,” and even at one point, “I’m excited to try again.” The thought of pregnancy did not terrify me or send me into a panic. So, on one hand, you do just know when you are ready.
That being said, there are some things to consider, especially if you need help navigating your feelings. How many times do we say to ourselves, “I just don’t know how I’m feeling?” That sense of feeling something we can’t quite put our fingers on. Here are a few things to consider when you are deciding if you are ready to try again.
Coping with Emotions
It goes without saying that a lot of emotions can come up when you are deciding whether you are ready to try again. We need a safe space, and an adequate amount of time, to process those emotions: grief, anger, sadness, anxiety, and a host of other emotions that arise after a pregnancy loss. We need time to say goodbye to the child we won’t have, and the life we had planned out starting from the day we had our positive pregnancy test.
We need to sit in a period of transition. When we lose something, or someone, there is a gap, a hole in our lives. We want to fill that hole, but if we attempt to fill it too early, we might fill it with the wrong thing, or the wrong person. Think back to your dating years: when a relationship ended, we sometimes sought a rebound person. That person was not the person we were going to be with forever, and probably not even the next person we were going to date. They were simply there to fill a space we needed filling. But, once we had time to allow the space to be, we left that space open for the right person to come along (which is how José and I met!). Give yourself space to simply be in the transition of pregnant to not-pregnant. Then, we can get ourselves ready to start expecting again.
Our emotions are big, confusing, and often jumbled. There are great therapists who specialize in supporting women and couples through pregnancy loss. They can be a great resource especially as you are navigating if you are ready to try again.
One big emotion that feels hard to navigate is the feeling that time is getting away from you. If you are feeling rushed, that might be a time to pause. I’m not suggesting we pause for a year or two. I’m suggesting you even pause for a few moments. As women, we are taught from the moment we begin menstruating that one day, our periods will stop and we can never turn back. This message of our bodies changing is hammered into us. And sometimes, medical professionals give us the same message. If you are feeling rushed because of your age, take a moment and reflect on what is best for you in this moment.
Here are some question to ask yourself:
· Do I feel rushed to start trying again? Am I worried about my age?
· How do I feel when I think about taking a break from trying to conceive?
· What feelings come up for me when I think about being pregnant again?
· How do I feel about my last pregnancy loss? What emotions come up for me?
Coping with Physical Health
Our third miscarriage was physically traumatic. Part of my recovery involved making sure my body had not only healed from that miscarriage, but that if I were to lose a fourth pregnancy, my body would be able to respond to it. During that year, along with seeing our doctors, I drastically cut back on alcohol. I followed a pretty strict diet recommended by the functional medicine (whether or not it helped with our fertility, it was truly the best I ever felt!), and had a regimen of vitamins. I started doing yoga, and hiked at the state park by my house. I entered my fourth pregnancy feeling healthy and physically strong. And while the fourth pregnancy still ended in loss, it was far from physically traumatic.
Some doctors might recommend waiting after a pregnancy loss for a variety of reasons. I’ve heard doctors say wait until one full menstrual cycle has completed. I’ve heard others recommend taking anywhere from three months to six months off. This is in part because, physically, it takes a lot to make a baby. And as our body has started preparing for a baby, and giving the growing embryo nutrients, our own bodies can be depleted. We need to give our bodies time to replenish our natural resources so we are ready to fully support our next growing baby.
Helping Your Partner Cope
Your partner will likely need time to heal from the pregnancy loss as well. During the pandemic, José and I instituted a daily check-in with one another. We asked pretty simple questions: how are you feeling today? What do you feel safe doing? What would help you today? Asking those questions gave us so much insight into one another that about one month after the pandemic began, we could almost predict one another’s answers. After our third pregnancy loss, we asked the same questions: how are you feeling today? What do you feel safe doing? What would help you today?
In asking those questions, I realized José was emotionally struggling. Asking these questions allowed him to find a therapist, with whom he is still working. We were fully in-sync with one another, and when we decided to try again, neither of us were surprised that the other was ready. Your partner needs space to heal as well.
Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst
This was my grandfather’s favorite saying. And while I don’t want to focus on the worst-case scenario, this was the ultimate question I asked myself that helped me realize I was ready to try again: am I ready to possibly experience another miscarriage? Ouch! It’s a heavy question. It’s a vulnerable question, because it opens us up to the possibility that we might feel that deep hurt once again.
And yet, this is a possibility we need to accept. When we are faced with possibilities that scare us, we tend to avoid them. We shove them aside, or tell ourselves we will let our future selves deal with that question. Sometimes, we simply aren’t ready to answer that question. But there’s a big difference between avoiding the question and moving forward, or allowing ourselves to recognize that we aren’t quite ready to answer that question.
When we were preparing for our fourth pregnancy, while most of our time-off was spent preparing our bodies for conception and fertility, a big part of our wait was based on my answer to this question. When I asked myself if I could cope with another miscarriage, the answer was “no” for a long time. It wasn’t until two months before we started trying again that I felt emotionally and physically ready to cope with another loss if I had to. It’s not that my time-off made me numb to my fourth loss – it was quite the opposite. I still grieved, I still hurt. I cried, and took time-off from work. I still felt shocked, sad and angry. These feelings didn’t disappear, but rather, I felt capable of responding to them.
Conclusion
It is OK to take time to heal after your pregnancy loss. If you aren’t feeling ready, physically or emotionally, give yourself space to heal. So often, we don’t allow this space to happen because we are scared, anxious, and we simply want to move forward. But you are allowed to move forward when you feel ready. Give yourself permission to take the space you and your partner need.