But I Need to Grieve!

Why we aren't allowed to grieve, and how to honor grief

“How come it is OK for a woman who is trying to get pregnant to weep when her period comes, while a woman who sees a positive pregnancy test but has a blighted ovum or molar pregnancy feels silly? Both are valid experiences. Both matter. Both count” – Kim Hooper, All the Love.

*The holidays can be hard after a pregnancy loss. How do we survive when we don’t feel like celebrating? How do we cope with seeing family? Starting on November 5th, I will be hosting my annual group, Surviving the Holidays After a Pregnancy Loss. The group will run for six weeks (taking a week off for Thanksgiving), on Tuesdays from 5:30pm - 7pm. The cost for this group is $300 for all six weeks - and I am offering a few sliding scale and pro bono slots as well! Stay tuned for a detailed outline of the group next week. To sign up or learn more about the group, you can respond to this newsletter, or send me an email.

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The attempts to get pregnant are honored. In my own journey, as with many of us, we’ve heard the sadly common phrases:

At least you lost the pregnancy early.

Miscarriages are so common.

You’ll be pregnant again in no time.

But, when one is trying to conceive, the messaging can be different.

She tried so hard to get pregnant, but she never could. She really struggled with it.

That two-week wait is really hard. And then you get your period.

I know this is hard for you.

I’ve even had people in my question my infertility diagnosis. The clinical definition of infertility does not only include the inability to conceive, it also includes the inability to sustain a pregnancy, i.e. recurrent miscarriages. After my third miscarriage, the infertility diagnosis felt grounding. I felt like I had an answer to what was happening to me (even though all of my miscarriages were unexplained). I adopted that term, and it felt, dare I say, good!