"Can't I Just Get a Hysterectomy??"
And other thoughts we might have after recurrent pregnancy loss
We think many, if not hundreds, of intense, confusing, agitated, overwhelming thoughts after a pregnancy loss. These thoughts can feel intrusive! And, after recurrent pregnancy losses, some of those thoughts become louder and more intrusive.
Some intrusive thoughts include:
“I wish I could just have a hysterectomy so I wouldn’t have to worry about this ever again.”
“What’s the point in trying anymore? I’m just going to have more losses.”
“All of my babies are destined to die.”
“I wish something were horribly wrong with me so I would at least have an answer!”
Any of these sound like you??
Life after a pregnancy loss can often feel like our intrusive thoughts: intense, confusing, agitating, overwhelming. These thoughts are both common and upsetting. It is important that we find somewhere safe to speak these thoughts. According to Dr. Brené Brown, shame thrives in silence. It grows and festers, until suddenly, it bursts out of us in ways that are often unhelpful. Two of the most common ways, according to Brené Brown, are chandeliering and stockpiling.
Chandeliering is defined as shoving our shame down that it finally erupts in a fit of rage. We lash out at our loved ones, scream, blame, and sometimes destroy our relationships. Stockpiling, on the other hand, happens when we shove our shame down that it finally takes its toll on our physical bodies. We become sick, perpetually exhausted, and even experience physical pain. As Brené Brown writes, “The body keeps score, and it always wins.”
When you have these intrusive thoughts, we have to speak them so we don’t chandelier or stockpile. Here are some ways we can speak these thoughts, in a safe and supportive way:
Tell one loved one, with whom you feel safe and you know won’t judge you.
Journal these thoughts. Write them down in a safe place. You can destroy them later if you want to.
Share these thoughts with your therapist.
Speak them out-loud to yourself. If you can do this in a mirror, that’s great! But, if that feels too intense, simply speak them to yourself.
Most importantly, don’t judge the thoughts that arise after a pregnancy loss. We are not in control of our initial thoughts, but we are in control of how we respond to them.
Pregnancy Loss Guided Support Group - Coming in January!
Join me for my upcoming guided support group, from January 9, 2023 - January 13, 2023. This group is completely free, and all are welcome to join!
Every day during the week, you will receive guided exercises, including journaling exercises and mindfulness exercises. If you wish, you will be paired with someone else in the group as an accountability and support partner. Finally, every evening, at 7pm, join me on Instagram live to review what we went over during that day. I will answer questions, and even bring some people onto the Live with me!
Every day of the week will focus on a different theme: coping with anxiety, coping with shame and building shame resilience, identifying resources and supports you need moving forward, and how to welcome and love the New You after your loss.
Even though this group is free, participants have to register for it! To register, email me at erin@taproottherapynyc.com, or DM me on Instagram: @themiscarriagetherapist.
I hope as many people can join as possible!!