Capturing Our Thoughts

Day 2: The Language We Use

Before you read this, make sure you have completed day 1!

How did yesterday go? Did you notice your thoughts?

Hopefully, you became more aware of how often we have automatic thoughts. This can be a powerful exercise, because it forces us to become mindful. Essentially, you participated in a mindfulness activity called “Observe.” The Observe skill comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

DBT is an evidence-based practice (this is a research term that means, simply, this treatment works!) developed by Marsha Linehan. Linehan is an American psychologist, and she recognized there was a huge gap in our mental health services. People were not making the progress they were hoping to make when receiving mental health services. As a result, DBT was created. DBT is comprised of four skill modules: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.

Mindfulness, a term used quite frequently these days (and maybe even overused), means the act of being present. That’s it. There isn’t anything magical, mystical, or even difficult about practicing mindfulness. It isn’t sitting and meditating for 30-minutes day, although it can be if you want it to be. Mindfulness, instead, is simply paying attention. Noticing things like the birds chirping outside, the color of your partner’s shoes, how your food tastes and smells.

The first mindfulness skill in DBT is Observe. Observe is the act of noticing. It isn’t changing anything, it’s simply noticing what is happening around you. Yesterday, we observed our thoughts. We didn’t change them, we simply recognized they were occurring.

Once we observe, we can now describe. Describe is the second mindfulness skill in DBT. Describe is putting words to our experiences. I’ll admit, this one sounds a bit obvious, and often happens simultaneously with Observe. In order for us to Observe, we typically put words to our experiences automatically.

But today, I’m going to encourage us to dig a little bit deeper. Today, I really want us to describe our thoughts we observed yesterday. We are going to write out our thoughts word-for-word, as they appear in our minds. This can be challenging as it can also bring up some difficult emotions for us. Similar to how we are identifying our thoughts, you can engage in the same process for emotions. As you write out your thoughts, observe any emotions that are arising in you, and label that emotion.

When I did this exercise after my second miscarriage, here are the thoughts that I noticed I was having:

I want to give up. Screw motherhood. I feel hopeless. Clearly, I’m not meant to be a parent. Maybe I’m not even a good wife. If I’m not a good wife, then this REALLY makes me a bad wife. Clearly, I’m being too sensitive. That’s why some of my closest family members haven’t reached out to me. My husband is going to get bored with me one day if don’t have a child. Maybe that’s OK. Maybe he is better off without me. Maybe this saved a child because I obviously won’t be a good mom. What is wrong with me that other women never have a miscarriage, but I’ve had two in a row? What am I being punished for?

OUCH! When I wrote these words, I was stunned. No wonder I was feeling so awful following my second miscarriage. These are my unfiltered and unedited thoughts. These are also thoughts I shared only with my husband. But all these thoughts are only a “draft,” a draft that is meant to be edited and changed. Once I became aware of these thoughts and their content, I was able to reframe them.

Over this next week, that’s going to be our primary task. We are going to take these really awful thoughts, and make them kinder and more validating. Here’s where I ended up after moving through these exercises:

I feel sad that I can’t give my family what we want. I can’t give us a child, at least not yet. In order for us to get pregnant again, I have to bury the dream of our August, 2020 child. I have to say goodbye to her in order to honor her. That child made us feel excited, hopeful, prepared, eager, in love, and committed to one another more than ever. That child allows us to organize our lives financially and purge our home (which was weighing us down!). It allowed me to set the much-needed boundaries at work. While I felt, and still feel, in many ways that my body failed me, I know that I am physically strong. If I can do that, labor and delivery will definitely be manageable! This loss also allowed us to see how much of a team my husband and I are. We’ve held each other, cried together, laughed together, grown together. I know because of all of this, I have him, 100% by my side.

A very different sentiment here. A kinder, gentler, more validating approach. And, words I believed. I was still able to honor my grief, my sadness, but I was able to reflect things that made me feel connected to myself and to my husband. I was no longer punishing myself.

Today, observe and describe your thoughts. Write them down. Don’t edit them! Be honest with exactly what you are thinking. Writing them down, and seeing how harsh they can be, helps us reframe them to be more validating. Write your shitty first draft.

And then, get up and do something healing for yourself. Go for a walk, watch your favorite sitcom rerun, call your best friend, have a cup of tea. Plan to have something to tend to yourself once you have completed this exercise.

Tomorrow, we are going to talk about self-compassion. This is going to be a big day, with lots of great things to look forward to!