Coping Without Control

The randomness of pregnancy loss and radical acceptance

Pregnancy loss makes no sense.

Everything else in my life, prior to pregnancy loss, followed a relatively clear trajectory. I did well in high school, and was accepted to my top-choice college. I started my first job shortly after graduating, and began walking a path I had always wanted to walk. Even when things didn’t feel “easy” in life, I could figure them out, problem solve. I was able to navigate the bumps and find the answers.

Every problem had an answer. And with enough determination, enough studying, enough positive mindset and healthy living, I could find that answer.

Pregnancy, for me, ultimately had no answer. All of my pregnancy losses were unexplained. And, no matter what answers I tried to find, no matter how much work I exerted, I could not maintain a pregnancy.

I took countless vitamins. I cut back on alcohol, caffeine, dairy and gluten. I saw reproductive endocrinologists and functional medicine doctors. I read books and listened to podcasts. And, I kept coming back to that same mindset: If I just worked hard enough, I would have my baby in my arms.