It’s just one miscarriage. We don’t worry until you’ve had three in a row.
Obviously, you’ll know when you’re miscarrying.
It’s nature’s way.
Are you sure you don’t want to try again? You’re just going to give up?
During my last pregnancy, I had a hematoma, a pool of clotted blood that forms, and when it bursts, you start to bleed. Mine popped, and I panicked when I saw the blood. I called the doctor crying, certain I was having another miscarriage. And she responded, “if you are miscarrying, there’s nothing we can do, and it’s just nature’s way of getting rid of something that won’t survive.” There’s nothing you can do? It’s nature’s way? Getting rid of something? This wasn’t something, this was my future baby!
But, because I had been here before, I paused, took a deep breath, held my husband’s hand, and said calmly but firmly, “I’m aware it’s nature’s way. This is my fourth pregnancy. But that’s not helpful when I believe I’m miscarrying for a fourth time. I’m very worried.”
Sometimes, people don’t hear or grasp the magnitude of what they are saying. They don’t recognize how they might be invalidating or unsupportive. I do believe that for the most part, people are not actively trying to hurt our feelings. They simply don’t know how to respond. And, for doctors, there are a few things happening that could lead to an invalidating statement:
1. They’ve seen pregnancy loss thousands of times before, and recognize it as a very real and common risk to pregnancy.
2. They take a medical, scientific look that has nothing to do with how we are feeling emotionally.
3. They want to solve a problem.
Problem-solving is inherently invalidating. Sometimes we do need our problems solved, but as an initial response, problem-solving diminishes our emotions and attempts to eradicate them by fixing, rather than holding space. Some professionals are trained that they aren’t here to hold space – they are here to solve a problem.
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