Day 4: The Language We Use

Comparative Suffering and Common Humanity

Over the last three days, we’ve talked a lot about how to care for ourselves. We’ve explored mindfulness skills, including observing and describing our thoughts. And we talked about self-compassion and acts of kindness.

Today, I’m going to explore another aspect of Kristin Neff’s work, common humanity. We are also going to talk about comparative suffering, a feeling that comes up often in the world of pregnancy loss.

I was 8-weeks pregnant when I had my second miscarriage. I wanted to join a support group, and even found one that fit my schedule perfectly! Before the group started, an email went out introducing everyone, and we were encouraged to share our stories. Most stories read as follows:

I’m 26 years old, and I just had my first miscarriage at 6-weeks.

I’m 32 years old, and I had my first miscarriage at 4-weeks.

I’m 22 years old, and I just lost my baby the day after I had my positive pregnancy test.

I was 37-years old, and it was my second loss.

I’m ashamed of my response, but I’m going to be very honest here: I judged every single one of those women. I thought, “you’re all so young! You’ll be pregnant in no time. You were barely pregnant, and my baby actually had a heartbeat. And this is my second miscarriage! You can’t be sad until you know the loss of a second baby.”

And then, I stopped, and realized I was engaging in comparative suffering. I was comparing my loss to theirs in a way that discounted their loss. If I had, instead, practiced common humanity, I would have recognized we are all in a world of pain and hurt together, regardless of the details.