Finding Joy in Tomatoes and Okra
Making Meaning of Grief in Pregnancy Loss + Season Two of the Podcast is Released!
In high summer, I find abundance in the small joys of life are abundant. My garden is in full bloom, and I have a bounty of vegetables (not enough to start a CSA, but enough for me and José). Yesterday, harvested nearly a pound of cherry tomatoes, and enough lettuce for two dinner salads. I even harvested my very first okra! It’s days like these when I fantasize about changing careers and becoming a full-time gardener.
When I think about what helped me process the grief of my pregnancy losses, it was the small things that had the biggest impact: a bowl of fresh, hand grown tomatoes; my chickens clucking in the morning; hugging José; re-watching my favorite episodes of Downton Abbey (any episode where Lady Mary defies early 20th century gender roles – which is essentially every episode). As those small, daily things that help us through our losses multiply and compound, we begin to integrate and make meaning.
In his book, Finding Meaning, David Kessler writes, “Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain in others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul.” Essentially, we have a choice: do we allow our grief to control us, never moving through it, never integrating it? Or, do we find ways of making meaning of our grief?
In order to make meaning, we do have to be ready for that stage. We cannot force it, and it does not happen overnight. Making meaning is not meant to be invalidating, and there is no timeline for when you are ready to make meaning from your loss. By forcing this step in the grief process, we will wind up feeling hollow, numb, and it might even intensify our grief.
Therefore, find the small moments in your day that bring you joy, and help you make meaning. For example, my vegetable garden wouldn’t be so fruitful (see what I did there!?) if it weren’t for my most recent loss. Because of the pain of that loss, I began gardening every day, for long stretches at a time. It brought me peace. It brought me joy. It allowed me to cry as I dug my seeds into the ground, and it allowed me to cheer at the first sign of budding. I now can call myself a true vegetable gardener!
Maybe, as the result of your loss, you take that vacation you’ve always wanted to take. Or you start doing yoga, or pick up knitting. Maybe your experience allows you to speak publicly about the loss in order to support others. Whatever we do, we know we are making meaning if we feel nourished, supported, and grounded, all while experiencing grief, loss and trauma. We feel them simultaneously, and neither cancels out the other. Rather, meaning and grief lift one another up.
Read David Kessler’s book, Finding Meaning.
David Kessler was also featured on Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us. Listen to it here!
Announcements
Season Two of The Miscarriage Therapist Podcast will be released Wednesday, August 10th, wherever you get your podcasts!
For the season premiere, I speak with Dr. Marc Sklar, creator for FertilityTV, and an online fertility coach. He is a Doctor of Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine, and specializes in helping women and couples get pregnant and stay pregnant. Click to read more about Dr. Marc Sklar. Click here to watch his YouTube channel.
If you simply can’t wait for next week, this episode is already posted for paid subscribers to The Miscarriage Therapist! Simply subscribe for only $7 a month to get your podcasts a week early.
Connect With Me
I always love hearing from you! Connect with me on Instagram @themiscarriagetherapist.
Next week, José and our French Bulldog, Remy, are off to explore the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for a week! It will be a week of hiking, camping, drinking Vernors, eating whitefish, and watching the stars. We are keeping our fingers crossed, hoping for a glimpse of the Northern Lights. Until then, I’m wishing you all a wonderful week.