I Don't Want to be Grateful

Surviving the Holidays After a Pregnancy Loss

Coming Next Week:

Starting Tuesday, this week, we will have our first read-along book club. We will be reading the first three chapters in I Had a Miscarriage. These read-alongs are available to all paid subscribers.

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We decorated our Christmas tree last week.

This is our second holiday season as parents. I thought last year would be emotion-filled year: the reminder of all of the years we tried to have a child, to finally relax into our role as parents. But this year it’s feeling very similar!

Another Thanksgiving has passed where the act of gratitude feels like a burden - there are many things I am not grateful for. Like my entire infertility journey.

At the same time, my infertility journey led me to my daughter. I never would have met her if it hadn’t been for my losses. How do I hold both truths at the same time? I am both immensely grateful for her, and angry at my history of infertility trauma.

How am I surviving the holidays this year?

• Once again, this year, I hang my Christmas ornament memorializing and remembering my lost babies and pregnancies. It hangs not far from our daughter’s photo ornament. My pregnancy losses will always be part of our story. They make up who we are - an integral part of our identity. Those ornaments will always hang on our tree.