"I know you just lost your baby, but I really need you to be at this meeting."
How to return to work after a pregnancy loss (even if you aren't ready)
There needs to be a disclaimer at the start of any article about returning to work: our medical and bereavement leave policies (at least in the United States) are terrible. If someone we love dies, we get three days (maybe!) to attend their funeral. If we contract an illness, you better hope you have enough sick days saved for you to use them. But, if you have a miscarriage? Are you even granted any time off from work?
Taking leave after a pregnancy loss can be necessary for both our physical healing and our emotional healing. And, before we return to work, there are a few things we can explore to make sure we are ready and able to do so.
There are three ways we can look at returning to work:
I’m not ready to go back, but my boss is making me;
I think I’m ready to go back, but how can I be sure;
I want to keep working because it feels like a healthy distraction.
I’m not ready to go back, but my boss is making me.
First, speak with your doctor. Depending on the loss you had, how far along you were, and the level of medical intervention required, you might be entitled to more leave than your boss initially provided. Get any documentation you might need to advocate for more leave.
Second, can you advocate for returning part-time? Are there times of the day that are particularly hard for you? For example, if you are awake all night, can you start your days later? Or, if the day feels harder as you move through it, can you start earlier and end earlier? With all of the changes around virtual work versus in-person work, there might be aspects of your day you can complete virtually.
Third, communicate! If you don’t feel ready to return completely, talk to people at your office. Talk to HR or your boss.
Finally, give yourself some grace. Even if you return to work shortly after a pregnancy loss, you likely will not be performing at your usual capacity. And that’s OK! Recognize that some things you used to do quite well might not be in your reach right now. Recognize your limits: maybe you can clock-in and sit at your desk, but that’s about it. Be gentle with yourself as you recognize what you are able to do in a given day.
I think I’m ready to go back, but how can I be sure?
Ask yourself the following questions:
How do I feel when I wake up in the morning?
How do I feel when I go to sleep at night?
Do I have supports in place if the days get too hard? Who are my support people?
How am I feeling physically? Have I physically healed?
Is there anything I need to do still before I go back to work?
Have I talked to my therapist or other people I trust about returning to work?
As you answer these questions, notice what arises for you. Notice any thoughts or physical sensations that come up. Noticing that might give you a lot of information to help you decide!
I want to keep working because it feels like a healthy distraction.
I have almost always fallen into this category. My second miscarriage was confirmed as I was getting on the subway to go to work. In that moment, I felt I didn’t have a choice but to work through the day. But, as I came home that evening, I realized my work day had been a very helpful distraction from our confirmed loss. And that night, I felt I had energy to start the grieving process. With my fourth miscarriage, and my fifth parenthood loss (to be honest, I’m still not sure what to call our adoption loss), I needed more time off. So, I took that time, and checked-in with myself every day to explore when I felt ready.
This mindset can be quite healthy and helpful. There is, however, a slippery slope! One that I have absolutely fallen down many times: I think work is a distraction, but really, I’m using work to avoid my pain. When we overwork, it can greatly hinder our ability to process our grief, trauma, depression, anxiety. We avoid these feelings because they feel too hard to feel. But, when we avoid them, these feelings end up growing and festering. And pretty soon, they explode in ways that become unmanageable for us. So, if you are using work to avoid your feelings, take time off work. If work is a distraction for you, but still gives you time to honor your grief and pain, it might be helpful for you to continue working.
How do you know if you are avoiding or distracting? A quick check-in with yourself: how do you feel after the activity? If you feel worse, you’ve been avoiding your emotions. If you feel better, and more capable of responding to your emotion, then you are distracting!
It’s Your Turn!
Share in the comments: how did you support yourself when you had to return to work after a pregnancy loss?