Lingering Grief and Trauma

How September will always impact me

September is bittersweet. I am acutely aware of the times when I avoided social media and the barrage of Back to School photos. I would cry imagining what Halloween costumes we would pick for our intended three year old. September 13th also marks the day we lost Twyla - our third pregnancy.

At the same time, I love autumn. The cooler temperatures, falling leaves. Pumpkins, gourds, and mums. To quote Anne Shirley, from Anne of Green Gables: “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

As pregnancy loss survivors, we have an added layer of bittersweet-ness: October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On one hand, I’m grateful we have a dedicated day to remember our babies. On the other hand, I sometimes hate that I know this day even exists.

If you are feeling the need for community this autumn, I will be hosting two events.

1. On October 15th, I will be hosting a retreat in honor of our children. From 5pm - 7pm EST, we will spend time in community. I will lead everyone in guided journaling and meditation exercises to cope. Utilizing approaches from grief-informed and trauma-informed therapies, this retreat will provide some grounding support to not only help us through the day, but to support us as we integrate our losses. The cost for the retreat is $30. To sign up, send me an email at erin@taproottherapynyc.com, or respond to this newsletter.

2. The holidays can be incredibly hard after a pregnancy or infant loss. How do we survive when we don’t feel like celebrating? How do we cope with seeing family? Starting on November 5th, I will be hosting my annual group, Surviving the Holidays After a Pregnancy Loss. The group will run for six weeks (taking a week off for Thanksgiving), on Tuesdays from 5:30pm - 7pm. The cost for this group is $300 for all six weeks - and I am offering a few sliding scale and pro bono slots as well! Stay tuned for a detailed outline of the group next week. To sign up or learn more about the group, you can respond to this newsletter, or send me an email.

Twyla - Four Years Later

It’s 3am, and I can’t sleep.

I am 10-weeks pregnant, and my belly is already growing. I’ve never been one to experience insomnia. In fact, I’ve often wondered if I was the only person in New York City who wasn’t self-diagnosed with a sleep disorder. But now, with my pregnancy hormones doing what they are supposed to do, I’m wide awake. I place my hands around my belly bump where I imagine our future daughter growing and shape-shifting. “You couldn’t have let me sleep before you were born, could you?” I whisper to her.

My husband, José, and Remy, our French Bulldog, meanwhile, are snoring restfully. I’m jealous of both of them.

I turn back to our baby. We’ve preemptively named her Twyla. I pause for a moment, grateful that even though it is 3am, I’m hoping this is a sign that she is strong and healthy. Maybe this will be the time we have a living, breathing, healthy baby. “Move around all you want, Twyla. I’ll stay up all night with you.”

This is our third pregnancy in eight months. We had two miscarriages before Twyla, and I was hesitant to try a third time, despite the fact that my gynecologist tells me I shouldn’t be worried. But I am; I’m incredibly anxious (which might also be contributing to the insomnia). Jose was anxious also.