My Unborn Child's Halloween Costume
I LOVE Halloween! And it wasn’t always this way.
When I was 6-years-old, after a night of trick-or-treating, my mom, brother, a vampire, and I, Minnie Mouse, walked home, admiring all of the candy we had collected. Without warning, I was smacked on the shoulder. My tiny head turned one way, and the other, but no one was behind me. And that’s when I smelled the putrid, rotting scent. My 6-year-old nose didn’t know what it was, but my mom did. I had been egged. And, by some cruel trick of fate, nearly every year after, I was egged. Never my brother. Never the young child next to me. Me. Every single year.
The worst Halloween was when I was 16. I refused to dress up that year. I stayed inside all day, watching scary movies, carving pumpkins, roasting pumpkin seeds. It was the perfect Halloween. My mom asked if I could run to the store while she was cooking dinner, and I nearly screamed. “Absolutely not! I am not getting egged this year.” She reassured me of the small possibility that I would be egged - it was only one block to the bodega. Begrudgingly, I went. And, sure enough, I was egged.
So, for years, I hated Halloween. But then, it all changed in my adult years. I’m not sure what prompted the change, but I suddenly loved dressing up, decorating, and passing out candy.
One of the first things José and I thought about when we got pregnant was Halloween. Our second pregnancy was due in August, and we imagined our first Halloween as a family: we would dress-up as the characters from a “League of Their Own.” The baby would be a Rockford Peach, and maybe we could even got our dog to stay in costume for part of the evening!
Our third pregnancy was due in April, but we had planned on announcing we were pregnant in October. I had even purchased a skeleton t-shirt to wear for the photo shoot, depicting the baby in my womb as a skeleton also. When we lost her on September 14th, I immediately came home and decorated for Halloween. José didn’t question me when I said, “I know it’s silly to decorate this early. But it will help me feel better.”
Our fourth pregnancy was due in November. I became so excited when I realized I could use my big pregnancy belly as part of my costume. Do I put a big eye on my belly, wear a green shirt, and be Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc.? An avocado, and my belly is the avocado pit? I was getting so excited!
Now, I am approaching this Halloween, for the first time in many years, with no plans for a baby. And, in a way, it feels nice to focus just on ourselves. José and I are spending this week decorating, getting our costumes ready, and baking. There is no thought of “this time next year…” or lamenting what we had planned for this year that didn’t come to be.
And yet, I occasionally find myself scrolling Pinterest for baby Halloween costumes. I envision hanging spider webs across our mantle and watching “Nightmare Before Christmas” with my child. I imagine gingerly sewing a Cinderella ballgown for weeks, only to have my child decide they want to be Tinker Bell two days before Halloween. I think about everything we might one day get to do with a child, and I feel happy.
What I’m Reading Now
To get in the spirit of the month, I’m reading “We Have Always Lived in the Castle” by Shirley Jackson. I find Shirley Jackson’s writing enthralling, but it’s been a while since I’ve read anything by her. José and I are reading this book aloud to one another this month. It’s the perfect novel for the nights leading up to Halloween.
(Funny enough, I wanted to take a break from reading anything related to mental health and psychotherapy, and yet there is quite a bit of mental health needs in this book!)
On the Podcast
This week on “The Miscarriage Therapist,” I am doing a solo episode on the need for practicing self-compassion after a pregnancy loss, and building your support team.
Listen wherever you get your podcasts!
I am wishing you all a wonderful end of October, a beautiful Autumn, and a celebratory Halloween!