The Love From Your Partner + Pregnancy Loss Support Group on 9/24
After the strict lockdown during the COVID-19 pandemic, José and I decided to leave Brooklyn. It was bittersweet – Brooklyn was our home, the place we thought we would raise our babies. But after surviving three traumatic tragedies living in Brooklyn - (9/11, Hurricane Sandy, and the COVID-19 pandemic - New York City did not feel like a place equipped to handle scary events.
Our one-room Brooklyn apartment felt crunched for space. While the usual bustle and rumble of a busy city was full of culture, connection, learning, and engagement, that tight space did not lend itself to panic. As we walked along the streets, abandoned by most people who transported themselves Upstate, down to the New Jersey shore, or out to the Hamptons, the city streets were lined with recycling bags filled with empty beer and wine bottles. It smelled of dried alcohol. The once lively streets now looked dingy and dirty without the people and lights surrounding them. It turns out a dive bar is just a dive bar without the people, covered in graffiti, urine, and broken bottles.
This wasn’t the city we knew and loved. I knew the city would come back, and yes, I judged those who left. I felt they abandoned their homes. They gave up on a city like a fair-weather lover: I only want you when you’re great, skinny, your hair is straightened, your makeup is perfect, and you’re in the best of moods. I want to show you off to all of my friends. But when things are not perfect, I abandon you.
That’s not love. Love is sticking around when things become so hard. When things feel challenging, when you wake up and your hair is sticking up, your makeup is smeared, after a night of crying.
Love is sticking by your wife’s side after she has three pregnancy losses. And loving her even more after witnessing her through her darkest moments. Love is holding your wife when she calls you for comfort as the next wave of contractions take their hold. And, love is going into the other room when she begs to you give her space during the next contraction. Love is not questioning the unpredictability of pregnancy loss, not questioning when hormones take hold. It’s understanding when she’s ready to sob hysterically, and it’s understanding when she needs to take a shot of whiskey for the pain.
We left Brooklyn, not out of abandonment, but out of great mortgage rates, the hope to own a home (when we could never own in New York City), build a garden, have space in case there was another lockdown, and an amazing midcentury ranch home near the ocean. Our move to the shoreline Connecticut was, like I said, bittersweet. We arrived to Connecticut with a sense of hope and promise, while recognizing our sadness.
This was moving forward from pregnancy loss - bittersweet. I was glad to feel the relief of hard emotions, but wishing I would never dishonor or disrespect my babies who never came to be. We found new life and new hope in Connecticut, and continued to grieve Brooklyn. We found new life and new hope in our subsequent pregnancies, and continued to grieve the other three we lost.
How has pregnancy after loss impacted you? What feelings did you experience as you moved forward from the immense pain and grief of your losses? What love did you feel from your partner?
DON’T FORGET! Tomorrow, 9/24, our Pregnancy Loss Seminar and Support Group is happening!
Join me from 10am - 1pm EST for a time of connection, hope, and healing.
During this group, we will discuss:
Navigating grief after a pregnancy loss
Addressing trauma after a pregnancy loss
Building supports and a community
Therapeutic journaling to process your journey
Addressing shame and shame resilience
Welcoming the New You - defining who you are after a pregnancy loss
The cost for the group is $110, and spots are still available!
Email me at erin@taproottherapynyc.com to sign up.
I hope to see you all there!