The Most Important Text I Received After a Miscarriage

One would think after a fourth pregnancy loss, one would be used to the silence that follows. The loneliness, the incessant, deafening thought that no one understands you. The deep grief, the cutting anxiety, the crippling, hormone-driven depressive lows.

One would think. But that’s not what happened. Because, for me, my fourth pregnancy loss was the first time I believed I might never become a mother. Not an easy belief to carry with you.

The week following was hard. I was smart (this pregnancy loss) to take time off work. But that felt like the only decision that was easy that week. The rest of the week, I struggled to identify what would help me: do I sleep in more? Do I exercise? Do I have one more glass of wine, or do I abstain from alcohol? I didn’t want to eat, but the bag of Oreos seemed to jump off the shelves.

And then, I received a text from my mom. A text that put everything into perspective:

Shower. Not a bath, a shower. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while.

Moisturize. Put on clean, comfortable clothes, including underwear. Drink cold water.

Clean something, anything. Play music. Sing!

Take the time to cook. Work on your knit scarf. Go outside. Take a walk. Put your hands in the dirt.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, especially your mother!

Cuddle your dog. And remember that I love you.

The action steps were simple, even when my emotions told me all of this was too hard. And, I’ll be honest with myself: this loss was hard. But the beauty of simple things, the act of living, surviving, our daily tasks that keep us breathing, help us through any awful day.

While I still grieved, while anxiety continued to course through me, this text reminded me that I am not alone. That even if I have one person who understands me, who is standing next to me, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be OK after this miscarriage.

What are your go-to activities for your hardest days? Your simple, life-giving boosters?